I couldn’t stand the possibility of a single grain of this idea slipping through my fingers.
I pushed around the elements of it, rearranging, shifting, squishing, moulding all its pieces, and wishing, more than anything else, wishing for it to become something beautiful.
I spent weeks hoping to find wherever this feeling I had was hiding. There was something here, something, something, something, something worth holding onto, there had to be, I was convinced of it. It had to be special because I needed it to be special.
I was stuck in a loop. I needed to turn it into what I was chasing because I’d spent so long chasing it. To admit that it was a bad, ugly, stupid idea would be to say that it couldn’t be special and to say it couldn’t be special would say I wasted my time.
So I held onto the grains of it longer than I should have, giving it more than it was worth.
Developers have ducks on their keyboards to explain their ideas to, to justify their ideas to, to step through problems with, to prove themselves to. These little ducks of theirs help them.
We should all be so lucky to have a little duck to tell us when the scents we’re sniffing after are heading in the wrong direction.
Oh this idea. I wanted so badly to make it beautiful that I convinced myself it would be. I wanted it so badly that I blinded myself, so as to not notice how horribly malformed it was. How I wish I had a little duck.
When you’re chasing an idea that is ugly, convincing yourself that there is beauty to be found, remember that sometimes ugly really is ugly.
You may say that it’s your role to find its beauty, that you have the means and the gumption to make it so, that it just needs time and your experience.
This is noble, and if you’re sure, then be sure.
Sometimes we get so fixated on the chase, we don’t realise our eyes have been shut for most of it.